Experiencing First Time Grief
Loss is an inevitable part of life.
You may have experienced loss in your life, whether it is the end of a relationship, the death of a pet, losing your job, leaving your home, or a friendship breakdown, all of which can leave you feeling emotionally bereft. We all process loss in different ways, and each experience will have a unique set of circumstances. When someone we know dies, whether a family member, friend, or work colleague, we can feel overwhelmed and unprepared, particularly if it is the first time we have experienced a bereavement. There are different theories about how we process grief, but like any challenging emotional state, bereavement has many faces. The most known grief theory is the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), and while you may encounter some, or all, of these different states they are not always experienced in a linear fashion. Equally, the context of your loss will play a dominant role in your grief, including the circumstances of the death, the relationship you had with the deceased, and their own preparedness before the end.
If someone dies unexpectedly you may remain in a state of shock for a significant amount of time, which can lead to emotional numbness. Even if the death was preceded by illness, you may still experience shock or denial, especially if the deceased was still young. When a partner dies early, or you lose a son/daughter, or a friend/sibling dies young, the pain can be so pronounced that your psyche will use shock to protect you. This can feel like you are in a waiting room, which keeps you removed from reality, and can mean that you don’t cry as you go through your day on autopilot. You may also experience a sense of guilt because you are ‘not grieving appropriately’, which can lead to frustration and bewilderment. During this time, it is important to be kind to yourself. There is no expectation around how you should experience grief and talking to a counsellor can help you as you navigate life after the death. You may have a strong support network, but often we carry a sense of responsibility for the response of others to our grief, which means we curate how we express our pain to those we are close to. The safe space created within bereavement counselling allows you to express your emotions and experiences without the fear of judgement or the consequence of upsetting others.
Other grief theories can be helpful when thinking about your experience of grief. In my work as a bereavement counsellor, I find that talking through the concept of growing around grief can be comforting for clients. If I were to ask you to draw a shape in your mind to represent your life today, and then to visualise shading how much of it is impacted by your grief, you may shade the majority of, or the whole, shape. That is because currently your life may feel consumed by grief, and it can be difficult to comprehend a time when it doesn’t feel that way. However, while your grief doesn’t necessarily dimmish, your life will grow around it. So, the shaded part of the shape may remain, but the shape itself will get bigger. Then, something may happen in your life, which could be a positive or negative event, that snaps your life back to that original shape and the grief can feel all-consuming again. In these moments we can give ourselves permission to feel the full force of those feelings, with the safe knowledge that life will again grow around the grief. Working with a counsellor during these times can help facilitate this process, providing a safe and empathic environment to authentically process your emotions.
First time grief can be really disarming, you may oscillate from overwhelming sadness to getting on with the functions of everyday life, which can be exhausting. Life can feel like it has less meaning, and there can be resistance to the new normal in the form of avoidance (both emotionally and practically). Grief can also bring repressed feelings to the surface, and working with a therapist will allow you to explore what else is coming up. There is no prescribed approach to dealing with grief, so give yourself permission to feel exactly as you do in each moment. If we recognise that there is no grief without love, and the deeper the love, the deeper the grief, then we know what it is to be human.
